I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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