he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
my shit smells like andre
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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