I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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