SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
