in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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