The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
