Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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