My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
