Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
