I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
