I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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