I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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