I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
