You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
