I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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