if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
