you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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