I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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