Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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