Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
