I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
