i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
