can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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