Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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