i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
