FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
