I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
