WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
zippers are such a cool invention
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
