I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
