Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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