Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I think my nap took me to another dimension
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
