i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
