Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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