Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
