My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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