There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
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he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
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I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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