dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I looked at my own cervix.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
