butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
