Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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