There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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