You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
