Dual....:-)
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
