I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
