thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
