I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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