is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
