This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
