you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
