he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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