all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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