Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
