u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
