Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
YAS. BRING CRAB.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
