Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
