I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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