Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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