Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
