bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
