Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
